Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Why do we . . .

. . . sometimes (perhaps often) second-guess the ones who worship the quicksand we walk upon? Are we (major English Comp faux paux generalization) somehow ingrained to second-guess, to doubt the ones we love? Is it inherent to the human race?

Now, the few readers of this blog are probably furrowing their collective brows and going . . . huh, WTF, has he been drinking at lunch again???? Unfortunately, the liquor did not flow at lunch . . . at least not today! This whole post - as with many of the posts of this blog - was brought about by a conversation between a friend and I. He made the comment about his partner telling him to do something, but he wasn't sure his partner really wanted him to do that something. No, it's not what you're thinking, get your minds out of the gutter.

My response: Sword - check. Shield - check. Lion repellent - crap, where'd I put the lion repellent. Okay, here I go . . . have you suddenly become a mind reader? Did you have dreams of (insert name of significant other) not wanting you not to (insert event of choice)? If the man told you to go to (insert event of choice), go to (insert event of choice), and quit second guessing yourself . . . and (re-insert name of significant other). : ) If you really don't want to go to the(insert event of choice), and are just trying to use (third re-insert name of significant other) allegedly not wanting you to go as an excuse . . . well, now you see why I have my handy sword and shield.

I went by myself to (insert friend's name)'s super bowl party bridge thingy because Frank (my beloved partner of almost 15 years who definitely worships the quicksand I walk upon) didn't want to go. Frank (blah, blah, blah . . . blah) is perfectly content staying home and letting life pass him by. I'm not. Once upon a time, I worried about whether I should go by myself or stay home with Frank (loves me, loves me not . . . ), even though he told me to go and have a good time. I kept thinking . . . gee, maybe he really doesn't want me to go, even though he told me to go, and maybe . . . maybe . . . maybe . . . Well, I finally quit thinking about the maybes. I enjoy bridge. Frank (love is a many splendored thing) does not. I'm not going to stop playing bridge because Frank (there's no place like home, there's no place like home . . . Frank, give my niece back her ruby slippers) doesn't like the game . . . nor would he expect me to do something like that (and no, I'm not even trying to imply anything about anybody other then me). The point of my lengthy diatribe is . . . in this life, I can only do the best I can do. Happiness is a journey, not a destination, and yet if you just sit at the train station all friggin' day in the cold, you're probably not gonna be that happy. So, my advice, dear friend, grab what happiness (even if it's just a <insert event>) you can in this life and quit trying to second-guess the man (re-insert name of significant other) that worships the quicksand you walk upon.

Please note - the colored comments above were added for this post alone, and not part of the original email response and done in a simple effort to omit names/places/events/whatever. Why? To protect the guilty, of course! Seriously, that's not why I did it. I just think that, sometimes, the names/events really don't matter . . . not to mention, some of my friends might not want their lives on public display in my blog.

My whole point, and the line of thinking, is why are we so quick to doubt what our partners/wives/husbands/lovers/boyfriends/girlfriends/whatever tell us? Is there some hidden meaning to no, honey, go ahead, and have a great time? Are we instinctively supposed to have suspicions and think our partners/wives/husbands/lovers/boyfriends/girlfriends/whatever really don't mean what they are saying? Do all our relationships come down to a simple question of doubting the words of the people that compliment our lives? I'm just asking . . .

As for me, I think my response pretty well gives my take on the situation. Like Dolly Levi in Hello, Dolly . . . the friggin' parade is not going to pass me by!!!



KiOui said...

Well, there are two sides to the question. Why are we so quick to doubt our partners - and why would our partners tell us to do things they don't want us to do?

From an anthropological view (get used to that phrase - consider this fair warning) - people become partners for a wide variety of reasons, and are we change those reasons change. Sometimes we are together in order to procreate. Sometimes we are together in order to combat loneliness. If we're lucky, it's because we've found someone we can't imagine not living with. But as people mature, their needs change - ask any couple who were madly in love and couldn't get enough of each other 10 years ago, and I bet you at least one will reply that sometimes, they're thinking, "Hurry up, I've got stuff to do!" And that's okay. My husband is a .... hermit isn't the word ... sociopath? no .... er ... loner is the nicest thing I can think of at the moment. I'm not a loner. He loves heavy metal. I'm more a Cure fan. I have no problem saying to him - "Go to that Children of Bodom concert - really! Go! Go!" because I want him to enjoy his life, with and without my being there (and while I certainly appreciate the musicianship and amazing talent that these guys have ... 5 minutes is just about long enough for me to listen to the accompanying guttural growling that they call singing. Makes me want to start throwing throat lozenges to them). And because, when the Cure comes to town, I'm damn well going.

The other side of the story is that people lie. Not to get too "House" about it, people lie in order to make people think they are more secure than they are - they lie in order to use your response against you - they lie in order to avoid an argument. They lie - because it's easier than saying, "You know, I'm a selfish bastard, but I want you to stay home." There's a reason that people are insecure in relationships - it's because deep down, we always suspect that we've reached a point where it's easier to lie than to say what we mean.

I've been giving the whole lying thing a lot of thought lately - I've been reading a book called "Emotions Revealed" by Paul Ekman, about how to read tiny microexpressions on people's faces - and these are universal expressions that appear in the Guarani and New Yorkers and Parisians alike. Why? Because recognizing that people lie is one thing - but why is another. Sometimes - a lie simply means, "I know I'm a selfish bastard, but I'll get over it, and I really want you to have a good time."

At least, that's what I choose to believe. If not - someone's going to have to learn to just speak the truth. Then the real fighting can begin!

Scott said...

I've missed you, KiOui!!