Sunday, July 19, 2009

How The Mighty Have Fallen

So, I’m out the other night and I see this guy I had relations with long ago and far away, in another place and time. He was older, not as slender, and his hair showing the signs of age. Oh, it was still thick and luxuriant, but grayer now. My first thought (shallow) was how the mighty have fallen. I mean, where was, as my friend Lori once said, the dark, pagan god. Okay, she didn’t say that, but it sounds really good, so I used it. She actually saw him from a distance the first time, on a misty night. He was standing beneath a street light, wearing a long coat, and she was like oh, my God, he’s gorgeous. Yes, he was. It was a different time and place in my life.

So, the mighty dark and pagan god is not aging as well as he could. Heck, does anyone really age as well as they could? Its constant work, trust me on that – exercise, eating right (for the most part), and trying to stave off the years the best that I can.

Once I got beyond my shallow (hey, it happens, get over it) thoughts, I came to another realization: he still had it, only in a different way. He wasn’t pursuing the younger men (he’s a few years older, but always went for the youngish types) this time. This time, the man he was pursuing – flirting, joking, smiling, dancing to the music – was a man probably 15 – 20 years his senior.

How the mighty have fallen!

Did he somehow realize that – extra weight, grey hair, the signs of youth no longer present – he couldn’t attract the younger men? Did the vibrancy of his personality somehow diminish with that realization? I mean, here was this man (the welcome wagon of Nashville – different story, another post, perhaps a book) who relentlessly and successfully pursued younger men, dancing and flirting with an older man. I mean, he had cards with his name and number on them. Seriously, people, cards. Now, the mighty have fallen.

Is gaydom so jaded that when men reach a certain age that stop going after what they want and start going after what they don’t want? Did he reach some age and realize that he would have to settle for something less? Is gaydom geared only to the young and the old have no chance at all?
So, the mighty fell and this man (me, in case you’re wondering) wonders why? I wonder if everybody reaches a point in their life when they give up on what they want?

I mean, I’m lucky. I found Frank fifteen years ago. The road to happiness has been rocky at times, but we survived. We love one another. We work through our problems. But, a different path in life, and me alone at 35, 40, 45, 50, 55 – what path would I choose? Would I sacrifice all my beliefs for companionship? Would I sacrifice what I truly wanted just so I wasn’t alone?

Did Mr. Dark Pagan God do just that? Do older gay men everywhere do the same thing?

I don’t have the answers to my questions. I just know that the mighty fell, and it wasn’t pretty.

Yeah, this post is probably a bit judgmental. That’s not my intent. My intent is to pose the question: at what point do we give up on ourselves and accept less than we deserve?

Mr. Dark Pagan God dancing, joking, flirting with a man he wouldn’t (trust me on that) have looked at twice 16 years ago when I first knew him. Did the onset of age change his perspective on life? Did the fear of loneliness cause him to rearrange his thought pattern to allow him to flirt with someone – here/now – that he would have ignored 16 years ago? 10 years ago? 5 years ago?

I’m just wondering . . .


Amy said...

I'm a fan of ranting. I like to think I do it with style. Many people confuse ranting with screaming and yelling and not listening. Not the same now, is it?

I read this article as well and at the end of it uttered a resounding, "DUH."