Wednesday, October 15, 2008


For a change, this blog is not going to discuss politics. Instead, I'm going to discuss the lovely subject of relationships, or rather, the break up of relationships. Yes, I know, a very delicate subject.

Picture it: your best friend is dating someone, they seem to have a good relationship, you like the person your friend is dating, they move in together, and then - BAM (Emeril at his best) - they have broken-up. What in the heck is a gay man to do when two people he likes breaks up? I mean, I like them both. Okay, so I've known one longer than the other. I like them both. Oh, man, I've suddenly found myself between the proverbial rock and a hard (don't even let your nasty little minds go there) place. Let me tell you. It's a very tight squeeze . . . almost tighter than trying to fit into my jeans about a month or so ago. Too much ice cream over the summer. Oh, did I mention that one half of the couple started dating another man within a week???

Picture it - the sequel: your best friend is dating someone, they seem to have a good relationship, and then - BAM (the whole Emeril thing again) - they break-up. Your friend is devastated. A few weeks later you learn that another friend is now dating the ex-boyfriend of your friend. Whoa!!!

So what do you do in situations like this? Run screaming into the night and never look back. Okay, that's not really an option. Pretend you're a politician and lie like hell! Dang, and I was trying not to talk about politics. Pretend that you know nothing about nothing! Ooops, there I went back into the whole political thang!

In the first scenario, only a week and all that jazz, you just do the best you can do. I mean, how do you tell a friend that his ex-boyfriend is already seeing somebody else? This is not something you can bring up in casual conversation. "Hey, man, did you know your ex is banging the waiter in the back alley?" Trust me, that's not a good start to a conversation. In that instance, discretion is definitely the better part of valor. Say nothing and deal with the consequences later. Let someone else be the bearer of bad news. Run screaming into the night.

In the second scenario, it's a little more tricky since you're good friends with both parties involved. Again, run screaming into the night seems the best option, especially if the one friend doesn't know anything at this point, but has strong suspicions. Sometimes, however, you just have to bite the proverbial bullet and be the bearer of bad tidings. My simple advice in this area was that someone needs to tell the friend that his ex-boyfriend is already dating somebody else. Do not, whatever you do, mention the name of that somebody else. The crap is going to hit the fan soon enough and you, the bearer of bad news, do not necessarily need to get splattered by the crap quite so soon.

Now, while I'm talking about relationships. Here's something you shouldn't do when trying to keep people from finding out about your new relationship: do not go to the local gay bar two weekends in a row with your new boyfriend. I'm just saying . . . There's no such thing as a secret in the gay community. Telephone! Telegraph! Tell-a-gay-man! The gayvine knows no limits and is the source of all information, and misinformation within the community. Be discrete. Stay home with the new love of your life. That way, dear friends, your new boyfriend's ex-boyfriend won't have a clue . . . at least until the next time you appear in public with your new boyfriend, who happens to be the ex-boyfriend of your good friend. Whew!!

As all the above situations remind me, sometimes, life is a bitch! I hate it when friends break-up. I never know what to do, who I should invite to margarita night, who I shouldn't invite, and all the other fun - heavy on the sarcasm on that word, just in case you're wondering - social situations that crop up after a break-up. It would be nice if I could just only like one person in a relationship. That rarely happens, my friends. My advice to all my friends who are currently couples: please don't break up, because I'll have to disown both halves of the couple just to remain fair to all. I'm just saying . . .